Home » Archive for category 'Humor'

Humor Archive

This has to be the best Nigerian SCAM ever!

Posted December 22, 2010 By Ms Sparky

I don’t doubt for one minute that Cheney and the others are GUILTY of crimes committed in Nigeria. But the fact that Nigeria is allowing them to buy their way out just adds to their image of the biggest SCAMMERS in the world. Why not follow through? Unless of course it was just a SCAM to begin with. Cheney and the other deserve it, but I think Nigeria went about this all wrong.

The next time you get an email that starts out like the one below, it just might be true!

Subject: Business Confidential.


I am Goodluck Jonathan, the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and Commander-in-Chief of the Nigerian Armed Forces. It is my pleasure to write and inform you that you were strongly and reliably recommended to me although we have not met or entered into any kind of contract with you before.  Based on that recommendation and although we have not met, I personally want to believe that you are honest enough  for a transaction involving the transfer of US $285,000,000.00 (two hundred eighty five million US dollars) into a foreign account (yours) for safekeeping pending my arrival to your country. Naturally you will be compensated generously as the account owner into which the money is remitted.  This money originated from exploiting US businessmen who were most likely guilty anyway, but we felt it would be more lucrative to let them buy their way out of the crimes than try to prosecute them.

Nigeria Drops Bribery Charges Against Cheney, Halliburton After $250M Deal Struck

Nigeria’s government has reportedly dropped bribery charges against former Vice President Dick Cheney and Halliburton, the energy firm he once headed, after the company agreed to pay a hefty settlement.

A spokesman with Nigeria’s Economic and Financial Crimes Commission told Reuters that the country’s government accepted a $250 million offer by Halliburton — an offer made within days of Nigeria filing a lawsuit against Cheney and Halliburton CEO David Lesar, along with other executives and firms. (click HERE for original article)

Halliburton pays $35m to Nigeria over graft case

LAGOS, Nigeria — Halliburton says that Nigeria has withdrawn charges against Halliburton and executives including former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney after a $35 million settlement.

Halliburton said in a statement Tuesday that it had agreed to pay $35 million to the Nigerian government over “allegations of improper payments to government officials in Nigeria.”

The oil services firm said that Nigeria had agreed to desist from taking further legal action against Halliburton, former subsidiary KBR and executives.

In February 2009, KBR Inc. pleaded guilty in U.S. federal court to authorizing and paying bribes from 1995 to 2004 for contracts in Nigeria.

Cheney was named as he led Halliburton during a period when bribes totaling as much as $180 million were allegedly paid. (click HERE for original article)

Timing is everything….

Posted December 8, 2010 By Forseti

U.S. State Department Hilariously Announces ‘World Press Freedom Day’

Ken Layne – Wonkette – December 7, 2010 –  The United States, which is currently engaged in a complete war against some weird guy with a website, is going to host “World Press Freedom Day,” the Department of State announced today. They’re all especially excited about protecting the flow of digital news, which is why Washington is “concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information.” LOL. This is the same Department of State (and Justice Department and Pentagon and CIA and NATO and PayPal) trying everything to cut off WikiLeaks’ access to the Internet and its own money. Washington is also, at this moment, planning to extradite Julian Assange if it can figure out what the Swedes want. Where is Sweden, anyway?

From the official announcement:

The theme for next year’s commemoration will be 21st Century Media: New Frontiers, New Barriers. The United States places technology and innovation at the forefront of its diplomatic and development efforts. New media has empowered citizens around the world to report on their circumstances, express opinions on world events, and exchange information in environments sometimes hostile to such exercises of individuals’ right to freedom of expression. At the same time, we are concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information. We mark events such as World Press Freedom Day in the context of our enduring commitment to support and expand press freedom and the free flow of information in this digital age.

[U.S. Department of State]

(Click HERE for original article)

I don’t normally report on scientific discoveries, but a fellow blogger forwarded this article posted at Brutally Honest and I felt obligated to the Human Race to repost and make sure as many people as possible knew about this phenomenon!

Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California  has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism.  Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years.  It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

No matter what your political affiliation, you have to admit….that’s funny! Change the name to make it apply to who every you want. Pelosium works just fine for me. Just thought I would give you all a little break from the “not so humorous” world of DoD contracting and their fraudulent contractors.


Ms Sparky

Buh, bye, Burger King

Posted February 20, 2010 By Ms Sparky

Buh, bye, BK (Barracks Patrol Report No. 1)

Under The Radar
by The Barracks Patrol – Military.com
February 19, 2010

Attention on the net: You got the Barrack Patrol here, bringing you the best of what we hear and what you tell us about. (And, as always, confidentiality is GUARANTEED — not too many places around this here U.S. military that you get one of those … or at least one of those you want.)

And most of the chatter on our freq the last few days has been about Big General Mac’s order to shut down all the fast food joints and other “Hey Joe” establishments around the FOBs in the ‘Stan Suck. The reaction to said order has turned into a battle royale (with cheese) of sorts between two camps: The Trigger Pullers versus the FOBbits.

Now the Trigger Pullers, who, unlike the FOBbits have actually discharged their weapons in anger, are happy for a warm meal, period, never mind one served up by a good ole’ American franchise like KFC. So when they amble back from a patrol for a little down time and see the “world within a world” that is the FOB they tend to wonder where the priorities are with the guys running the show. (These are the guys who were pinned down the day before without air support because of too few drones in theater or whatever, so you’ll have to forgive them when the sight of a Baskin-??Robbins with all 31 flavors gets them a bit steamed under the Kevlar.) Suffice it to say that the Trigger Pullers are okay with Gen. Mac’s order. Instead of Whoppers, they want more bullets. As Trigger Puller “Lawman” told us: “Only at the FOB would you have to worry about Soldiers gaining weight in the middle of a war.” Read the remainder of this entry »

The Tragedy of PKSD

Posted June 30, 2009 By Ms Sparky

With so many people being RIF’d and just quitting I though this would be a good time to re-publish this article on this very serious condition. I wonder if one could file a DBA claim on PKSD.

The Tragedy of PKSD

By Anonymous, PMCS 27/8/10
Aug 27, 2008 – 11:05:51 AM

Many brave, patriotic civilians went to Iraq as part of LOGCAP (Logistics Civilian Augmentation Program), and returned to what they thought would be a normal life back here in the States. However, many of these individuals have since been diagnosed with what is now known as Post-KBR Stress Disorder, or PKSD.

These individuals became addicted to high pay for nominal work, very often in jobs they were totally unqualified to perform; and when they returned to what is known as “the real world” they were unable to adjust. Many have refused to return to whatever jobs they had prior to their tour in Iraq, having given themselves the delusion that they actually were qualified for the positions they had graciously been given while there.

A great number of them have refused to work for fair wages in America after having been spoiled on the pay they received while working (or at least, filling out a timesheet) overseas.

This has caused great stress in many families as sufferers of PKSD have refused to assimilate back into the real world.

Many, for years, only saw their families when it was R&R, fun and vacation. Now they are having to deal with the problems that go along with normal life, and they refuse to do it. Another problem is that when they were home in a vacation frame of mind they had more than enough money to spend on every whim of themselves and the family. They spent money like the cash cow would never stop giving and did not adequately plan ahead. Now that they have refused to go back to work they are frustrated that what money they had saved is now gone and they now face financial devastation. Also, since they are no longer the great financial provider that they once were, it has led to marital problems, in many cases.

For some reason that is unclear until further research can be done, everyone who ever worked in water purification and returned home has turned gay. That’s right, they have all become flamers. Researchers say it may take years of study to determine why this has occurred. They have ruled out the chemicals, and now believe it may be the long hours they spent alone together in the ROWPU units.

With the war over in Iraq and things winding down in Afghanistan there is no longer a great need for highly paid, unqualified people in the LOGCAP program.

Many companies who hired KBR HSE Coordinators who are still trying to do what he did in Iraq are facing OSHA fines, and some, loss of contracting license

This new phenomena has overwhelmed the mental health industry. But, since these individuals no longer have jobs they no longer have health insurance (unless they are still married and the spouse provides it), so most are SOL.

Most truck drivers from Iraq refuse to go back on the road, claiming it is boring without the threat of roadside bombs and small arms fire. Many more truck drivers could not adjust to not driving in a convoy without a military escort. Almost all say they will not renew their CDL.

The Food Service Industry in the United States is enforcing a total ban on individuals who worked in KBR DFACs due to liability issues. Insurance providers will no longer provide insurance to restaurants, grocery stores or food industry suppliers who employ former KBR employees. Although it has not been confirmed, there are many rumors that some former KBR Food Service personnel are secretly being employed in restaurants that specialize in Indian Cuisine.

Almost 100% of the KBR medics who did try to return to work are now facing loss of their medical credentials and lawsuits due to some type of malpractice at their new jobs in the States. It seems that whatever the problem of the patient, whether conscious or unconscious, all they would do is try to get them to drink water.

Firemen. ? This reporter would not even know where to begin.

And one Home Depot store which hired a former KBR Materials Manager had to close down within 3 months of his hire because of the massive mismanagement of inventory. When asked for a comment, the Store Manager said, “I can’t @#$%^&* believe how @#$%^&* incompetent this (&}%^ guy is. We {“+=&% hired him with the @#$%^&* recommendation from his *&^% former *^%$#& employer, but he surely had to be a (“+}^% when he %$#*)+ worked for them, too. He %^&$# things up at light speed. I don’t see how his former @#$%^& employer kept from getting slammed by the government.” He had more to say about the man’s Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, etc.

Many of the former KBR employees spend long hours at the local convenience stores talking to the Indians and Pakistanis who work there, seemingly trying to re-experience their days of job and financial security. A strange twist is that they will not go to work for a fair wage, but many will readily sweep and mop floors at the local 7/11 for a six pack of beer and the privilege of being able to hang around and bore the owner with their stories of Iraq. This is ironic since in their previous job the South Asians worked as their labor.

Recently, some of these PKSD sufferers caused an international incident. They pooled what little money they had and tried to start a rebellion in Tahiti, in hopes that the United States would intervene with the military and re-expand the LOGCAP program there. However, the poor fools ran out of money drinking in the bar the first night there.

The exception to this problem seems to be individuals who worked for KBR Security. 100% of these individuals have readjusted and become productive, successful members of their communities. I am sure researchers will want to know the reason for this phenomenon. (click HERE for the original article)

OK…that was funny no matter who you are! I think we should keep adding to it. Here’s my contribution.

“Many former KBR employees suffering from PKSD have been arrested in the States after pulling into a gas station, filling up and driving off without paying. Many claim the fumes triggered flash backs putting them at a fuel point in Iraq where they just drove in, filled up, signed their name and someone else paid!”

Ms Sparky